Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish my penis had an off switch
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
