just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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