I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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