My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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