if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
