Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
