my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
