So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
