I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
