Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize