I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
