Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Is it because I queefed?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize