my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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