Apparently you make a good broom.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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