it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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