There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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