Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
