he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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