i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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