I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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