I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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