so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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