My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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