I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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