I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
