I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
