so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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