News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
