So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
