he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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