Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
