If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
