Got a toothbrush?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
