I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
