He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
