i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I want to be your penis for a week.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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