Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
