I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
