Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
