I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
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