I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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