i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
