I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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