i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
