Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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