Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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