Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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