cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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