1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
