atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
