We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
