guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
