Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
