I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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