I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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