Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
