Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
