Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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