Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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