So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
